Monday, 25 May 2015

I Am Kitty

My name is Kitty. At least according to one other person. My life so far has been a series of complex emotions ideas based mostly on wanting to be better by becoming someone else. I had this notion that anyone, anything that is not me is better than who I am. It later transpired to me that this blossomed from a singular need to be loved and accepted.

And by simply being poor old boring me was never going to be enough. Although now I understand that this is wrong because all it did me was a series of identity-crisis episodes which I couldn’t, and didn’t, easily emerge from. Instead of improving what I already have, I created and entirely different and imaginary being and tried to be that person. I built walls so people would assume that I don’t give a damn about anything, but the truth was that I cared too much it would shatter me if I dared admit it.

I think now, “How am I supposed to be accepted by my peers if I can’t even accept myself?” What I’m doing right now is important to me because I literally had to write it down lest I forget again. Bear with me.

I’m not one of those people who only have one interest that they avidly follow to the rest of their days. I envy those people. I’ve several interests that I have to juggle them because I’m flit-minded and avaricious and I thought I could handle them all. Instead, they demand my attention like screaming babies and eat away at my time that I often feel burnt out at the end of the day.

Books. I like books but I’m not exactly a hard-core bookworm. I detest detective stories and anything remotely horror.I hate book fads, like vampire stories when I was in high school and now dystopian novels. I tend to read them—if ever, that is—when the craze has died down. But I do love a good story from 1900s. They fill me with a rich sense of history. I don’t enjoy Old English, though. It maketh my nose bleedeth. [Did I get that right?] I can’t say no to sarcastic humour and I shrug my shoulders at romantic novels (though some of them can be unbearable). Of course my all-time favourite is Harry Potter. It’s how I fell in love with books in the first place. Which is why I simply adore fantasy fiction. In it, I complete lose myself and more often than not, I become a magnificent creature with great powers. I’m very picky with my reads yet fickle-minded. Awful combination.

I like to write and it used to be my dream to become a novelist. It’s still in my someday-maybe list but I understand that this isn’t for me right now. I make characters to represent the people I want to be and want to be with but I don’t exactly know how to make the story part of the story. You know what I mean? I’m a complete scatter-brain and I truly find it difficult to focus. That’s why I have this tremendous need to write everything down, because once I forget, it’s lost to me forever. And I just hate that. Even as I’m writing this, I feel little bits of thought fly away. *sigh* For now I’m contented with being a novice blogger.
The one thing I’ve always wanted to do as a child was to act. When I act on school plays, I forget that I’m afraid of people and what they might think of me because I’m not me. I was someone else. And hearing their applause makes me feel wanted. Obviously my acting career didn’t exactly happen. I’ve always been too afraid to audition. Now that I’ve gained some confidence I’m already too old to be a beginner.

Another childhood aspiration of mine was ballet. Didn’t happen, either. No funds for lessons. Piano? Forget it. By the time I graduated from high school I don’t know what to live for anymore. The problem with me was that I was too idealistic but I didn’t know how to put my dreams in motion. I was too afraid to ask yet I felt bitter when I didn’t get what I wanted.

Eventually, I got some of my sanity back, and while my father has given me a year-off from university, I decided to put it to good use. Since acting is definitely out of question, I decided to focus on ballet. Nowadays, you can learn anything through YouTube and I’m really thankful for that. Although it is more recreational than professional (too late for that), I’m still happy as a bee collecting honey. I also started learning French (also via YouTube—seriously, thank the internet gods for this site) with hopes of visiting Paris someday. The dream of seeing the beauty of France might be the only reason I have left to live for. I simply must go to Paris at least once in my life. It is my Mecca.

Piano is a love of mine, although I’ve only recently started rediscovering my passion for it. I have a thing for classical music. That’s one thing most people don’t know about me. If I ever get the chance, I’d definitely want to learn how to play the violin, too. I like to sing and play guitar a little, but I’m not really that good. Do not believe anyone who tells you otherwise. I’ll be posting stuff here... er... maybe... so you can just hear for yourselves. I’ve also recently started taking a semi-serious interest in fashion, but I don’t know. We’ll see where it goes.

Well, I think I’ve pretty much laid out the basic needs of my soul. I hope you enjoyed reading about me writing about myself as much as I did. Haha! It’s hard to grasp your thoughts when they try so hard to flee from you. *sigh* But I’m glad I was able to do this so that in my moments of doubt, I can read it and remember who I am and what I stand for. Or something. I suggest you do the same when you’re feeling down about yourself. You don't have to endorse to the entire world but you’ll be surprised at how much this can help.
Ciao for now!

I originally planned to post this as my New Year post but... ehehe... I misplaced it somewhere. But now that I found it again, I’ll just call this My Very Late Birthday Post. It’s still May, after all. You know what they say. “Better late than pregnant.” Or was that right?

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