Kitty, Capricious

My new pseudo-obsession is anime. I know. I supposedly hate anime, right? But Jahan is into this thing right now and whenever she’s into something, she forces me to do it, too. Very nice, right? Complete BFF cooperation. I don’t even know where this came from. We’ve NEVER talked about anime before.

Anyway, I finished watching Ouran Koukou Host Club a couple of weeks ago, and Jahan and I were talking about the characters we can relate to the most. Mine was Suoh Tamaki. He’s the leader of the Host Club but I didn’t really like him because of that. [You know, if anything, I actually hate the main characters.] He’s this totally frivolous guy who’s all fun and...more fun...and affirms and reaffirms his God-given beauty to everyone around him. But underneath of all the sparkles, he’s a completely oblivious person.

Tamaki and his sparkles [Google]

I like that he’s sooo vain, yet he’s not an unlikeable character because he’s so kind and genuinely strives to build friendships. However all of a sudden and which-galaxy-did-this-come-from his ideas may sound, he really wants people to have a good time. He’s naturally drawn to trying something new and, albeit fleeting, he invests his utmost interest over it.

You know, ever since Tamaki, I found exactly the most-fitting one-word description for me that was also used to describe him numerous times: capricious. All of these things that I do, I decided on a whim because I felt like it at the moment. Looking back at one thing, it seemed like a very good idea then but it doesn’t really strike my fancy anymore. Yet, if I quit one of them, I would feel like I lost or am incompetent, or as if I betrayed it [the hobby]. To assuage this, I always pretend to be on “vacation” to take a break. Then if I remember, say, for example, that I neglected the piano for over four years now, I get back right into it. Learning French, practicing how to write with my right hand (a feat I accomplished, by the way, although very slow writing, and it drains me faster), fashion, starting a blog [trivia: I’ve had about seven or eight blogs before Kitty’s Playbook], my Goodreads account—because of the book challenge, my Wattpad account, hell, even my Twitter account—all whims of my heart. I even bought chopsticks to practice for whenever my friends and I go out for Japanese food...and because of, well, anime (I stopped using a spoon and a fork for about the month now). I’ve been obsessing over tea ever since Kuroshitsuji.

I found that there isn’t a thing I like very long. I continue to do them anyway for the feeling of accomplishment. If I were more lithe and graceful, I probably would have juggled while balancing on a giant ball, too. I thought about photography. And I solemnly believed that maybe I should become a professional blogger—but then I’m thinking maybe that’s only because my favourite person in the world right now is a blogger [see: Camie].

I refuse to be called an overachiever because I don’t believe I’ve actually achieved something yet (the right-hand writing...I still don’t have it down perfect). I continue to chase after these things because I believe that when I do achieve them in the end, they will give me some sort of high that I can’t seem to find in my every day course of life.

I know what my friends are going to say about this when they read it. Something like, "Calm down, Kitty.  You don't have to do the things you don't feel like doing anymore. It's not a real loss. Yada yada yada."

But you know what? For me, it's a real loss. Because before I immersed myself in my many many hobbies, I was this huuuuuuge bum who did nothing but rolling about in bed, eat, internet, eat, eat rolling about in bed, and sleep. I feel like this is my chance to make up for all those times that I messed up and waste time. And pushing myself like this is a punishment, yes, and it's also a reward. Nothing says triumph like yelling, "I DID IT!" when I accomplish something. It makes me feel like I'm worth a million bucks.