Friday, 31 July 2015

An Open Letter from Your Antisocial Friend

I’m not exactly the kind of person you’d be hanging out with if you want someone to, say, go to the arcade with you. I hate that place. If you want to laugh your arse off, I’d wish we’d bring an extra person because everything that comes out of my mouth is wit and snark that I sometimes wonder if it borders on offensive already. Sometimes I cringe at what I say, too.

I abhor sports or anything physically strenuous, and I will not be persuaded to “try new things” just because you want to. Okay, fine, maybe I’ll go with you, but only after bitching and whining about what a drag it is. And I will most likely continue to bitch and whine throughout the whole ordeal. I’m probably the worst person you’ve ever had the misfortune of calling your friend.


But, if you want to get drunk with emotional stupor, I’ll yell, “BOTTOMS UP!” and match you drink for drink. I honestly don’t know why you’d want to keep turning to me for help when one look at me tells people that I’m virtually incapable of doing anything. But I’ll listen to you ramble all you want anyway, and fervently remind you that whatever “hell” you’re experiencing right now, I’ve been through a much shittier situation. That should be enough to cheer you up. If not, I’ll try to give you helpful advice and tips about what not to do based on my own experiences.

I’m the kind of friend that you have who will always have to walk behind the group (or behind you if we’re alone together) not only because I keep getting sandwiched or squished to the side when we line up horizontally [-___-], but also because I like how together you all look and/or how unbelievable it is to have a friend like you. It makes me think, “Ahh, this is right.”

I don’t feel left out. Okay, sometimes I do, but not all the time. I will bitch about it so you’ll know. But, anyway, I also like walking behind you literally signify that, erm, I got your back.

I don’t feel comfortable going in front of everybody (since we already established that horizontal line up is impossible) because for some reason, I get this weird paranoia that you might not follow me and I’d get lost, both literally and figuratively. I personally do not think my heart is ready for that. So I choose to walk from behind so that when things get rough ahead, at least you will always have me to fall back to.

And that is my self-gratification.

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